Day 6: #30daysofselfcare - Removing Narcissists From Your Life

This hit me yesterday as I watched a post on a women's group that I'm part of.  Someone called out another person for a violation of rights.  That person, a known manipulator for many years, does what she does best and manipulated the truth again to where some people actually believe her.  I'm happy to say due to the years of manipulation of this person, there are growing legions of people who are now onto her, but I dare say it has taken soooooooooo long.

Caravaggio's “Narcissus,” painted in 1597
illustrates the Greek myth of Narcissus who falls in love with his own reflection in a pool of water.

For years this person has faked illnesses (serious ones), taken money, lied, abused personal relationships for her own gain, accused innocent victims of things they did not do.  You know... basically this person is the scum of the earth.  They however wear a very fake facade.  This person is a narcissist.  What is a Narcissist?  Well in the most brief of definitions...

I never really knew about this disorder until about 2 or 3 years ago when it affected my life tremendously.  During the time it was happening I did not have a definition for it.  It was not until a medical professional explained the behaviors to me.  True to form I went and read everything I could on the subject.  I needed to know why a person could have so much of a controlling force on me.  I invite everyone to do their own research, but here is a very brief narcissistic checklist to help guide.  If this sounds like anyone you know, I advise you to run.  FAR.

I lost many years of my life to this behavior and the best advice I received regarding dealing with this person was simply, "get away."  I was advised to break all contact and never go back.  A very tough thing to do for someone who only wants to help, but they were right.  If I would have remained in contact I would have continued to be manipulated.

Now anyone knowing me would wonder how someone like me would have ever allowed this to happen, but it isn't as simple as you think.  There are obvious narcissists in this world.  Those people who think everything they do is pure genius.  Look familiar.

But there is another type of narcissist called a covert narcissist.  I would go into this in depth but there is a wonderful article regarding the difference of the two at selfgrowth.com.  Here however is the definition of the covert narcissist from that site.

The covert narcissist is the ‘shy’ narcissist, but no less dangerous and painful to become involved with. The covert narcissistic personality like the overt narcissistic personality has deep feelings of unworthiness and shame. The covert narcissist however lacks the manufactured confidence to present a grandiose false self to the world, so retreats to his inner world to live out his or her pathological fantasies.

The covert narcissist is obviously depressed and often withdrawn, and projects these feelings on to close intimates in withholding and passive aggressive ways. The covert narcissist like the overt narcissist can explode, but it takes more provocation. The covert narcissistic personality, like the over narcissist also lacks a conscience and will project his or her damaged inner self on to others by lying, manipulating, withholding or abandoning –using whatever tactic gets a reaction and hurts those closest to him or her.

The covert narcissistic personality is often anxious, pessimistic, unmotivated, and blames his or her past for insecurities and inadequacies. He or she may be great drain on a partner by being parasitical in using money, resources and energy that he or she is not self-producing.

Just like the overt, the covert narcissistic personality type is highly exploitative and believes he or she is entitled to take, but has very little interest in contributing unless there is an ulterior motive attached.

They are a wolf in sheep's clothing and are life sucking vampires.  The level of exploitation of these people is unreal.  While you are in it you think you are helping when actually are are just being preyed upon.  I think they are the most scary of all narcissists because you never see them coming until they leave you in both financial, physical and mental crisis.

Now... for the longest time I would ask my medical professional, "am I a narcissist?"  I truly felt I may have been the problem.  That is the level of manipulation involved.  The difference she added, "narcissists do not have this conscious to think that they may be the problem."  Seriously though I was ready to work on it, to which she simply replied that I needed more narcissism.  There is good and bad.  Bad I have talked about, but good is what is needed to simply keep you from being harmed.

I can say now that I'm very pleased I followed her advice from day one, even when it felt foreign.  I am fortunate that I have good instincts (though I don't always listen to them).  My instinct with the narcissist was that he was a bad person, even before he was in my life and it only progressed, but under the guise of a covert narcissist.  My instincts however told me that my friend was right and was being protective of me rather than someone that was preying on me.  How did I know?  She had no other motive as it was not in her best interest to protect me or not.

Now why am I putting all this out there rather than keeping it to myself?  Because it was a very hard lesson and I'm proud of my growth from it.  More so however I remember during that time it was research and reading people's stories like mine that made it more real and less foreign.  It is a hard concept to wrap your brain around and if this can help anyone I gladly share it with the world.

Thank you all for listening.

Todays goals and successes:

1.  Did Hot Yoga!
2.  Drank all of my water.
3.  Read a bit of my book on Mindfulness